Im so tired. But i need to blog about this still coz im afraid i ll forget.
*Warning.. this is my longest blog post ever. Dun go on if you are sleepy, tired or not in the mood for sentimental stuff*
Today an incident happen which shed light upon a qn i once asked myself so very often not so long ago.
Today 2 ppl quarrelled. I asked them what happened. They said the other said smth and one party felt hurt. It was all so minor to me. I did not understand. Person A said, " I was only kidding to person B, duno why she take it so serious. No sense of humor at all." Person B said, "How could she have said that at all! It simply just shows what she is reali thinking! Person A says "But im only Kidding!!"
Then later someone told me. You know why they are like that? It's because they are too close. I was puzzled. Too close?? That someone told me, see if you said smth like that to me, I wun feel hurt coz i ll instinctively take it as a joke coz we are not close. BUT if we were to b very close, then you ll start thinking about everything i say seriously. So even if its a very little thing, it ll affect you. I ve been thinking about this the whole day.
Sometimes in the very recent past, I asked myself many times, whats happening to me? Coz i seem to get affected by the littlest things. Am i starting to get petty, I used to ask myself. I used to take things so easily. They come and they go. Its as natural as how the sun sets and rises. But then i realised its coz i cared too much. Too much so that even the littlest things could get me getting all depressed and moody and grouchy. Too much interpretation goes into that one little action the other party makes. There's such extreme highs and lows.
And maybe its just how much i enjoy exclusivity. Because I cannot imagine how you can share the same things with so many ppl. Some things you can of course. But some things you cant. Like telepathy, emotional support and affections.
And why is it that you always find it so hard to tell the ppl whom you care about the most that they matter a lot to you? Nobody ever wants to say, I need you ard alot because without you, it just feels a bit empty. And no one ever wants to say I reali love having you ard. Its like being a catus. All prickly on the outside but watery inside. Or Coz maybe we r just scared that the feeling is not mutual. Or even worse, what if it becomes a hold over you. It's like maybe the person doesnt care that much but they know you have such a soft spot for them. It's like whatever you do wun affect them much but everything they do affects you to the first degree. That would be very painful. Extremely painful indeed.
Sometimes I actually envy ppl who know how to take things for granted. It takes guts, a little bit of inconsideration as well as heck-careness to do that. They just assume that the same ppl will always be there for them, will open their arms to them and embrace them for good and for bad. Sometimes I wish I could do that too. I dun wan to have to always think that one day someone would take them away from me and so every moment i m with them, i m thankful. It's like embracing something so deeply till it hurts.
A few nights ago, smth popped into my mind. What's the difference between talking and confiding? My interpretation is that talking is very general. It's level 1. And confiding is a jump to level 8. So be glad when ur friend confides in you coz its not smth they do everyday. How well can we say we know another person until we ve had a heart to heart talk? It's all abt the feelings. And that's what counts, isnt it. Rattling of activities and daily on goings simply constitutes another kind of talking.
And as im onto this, I remembered when I was in secondary school, I used to have a girlfriend who wants to be my everything. My all should be her and only her. I should go to school with her, I should wait for her, Ishould only shower affections on her and I should only be on the best terms with her? Possesive? I used to think so. But now I think Iwas only lucky then. She had it tough. She loved me more than I loved her, ever so much. *as a friend of course* Maybe what she reali needed then was not a best friend, it was a boy friend. But even so, the depth of her feelings must be so much more than mine to have wanted us to be this way. And sometimes when I think back now, I think at times i did felt like what she did then. And then i recalled what i said to her then. So easy to say, so hard to do. But its only now that i know of course. haha..
HA and looking back at alll my archives, im not a very good blogger who can list out the things i do. Coz i simply dun categorise my stuff lidat. I ve tried, but it simply doesnt feel natural. So in the end, my posts all sound super sentimental as if im gg through a lot. But its just that I go a lot by my feelings. Everyday I evaluate my day based on the feelings I have when im gg to bed. I would love to pretend to be positive and all, which I reali am - positive , that is. But its just that I tend to get a little philosophical as well.
Aright, after all the incessant ramblings, I go back to the gist of what i was trying to blog about. Which is one will care very much about what another does when they are very close. Isnt that right? It's so stupid. It's like such a small thing. Let me give you an example from my past days. One which I sometimes keep thinking about. Because I want to understand whats wrong with me as well. It seems like such a petty thing to get angry over.
It's waiting for a phonecall. When someone promises to call and you reali do want them to call, you channel all your energy into waiting for the call. Whatever shit you are doin, you tell yourself its ok, i m gg to be able to take that call later. And then you wait an hour, 2 hours, 3 hours and then never. It's like a child who's waiting all her life for santa claus and then realising a long time later then there's no such thing.
And do you guys treat a new friend better? It's like the whole process of revealing only the nice bits to them and then getting to know them as well and then slowly building up the whole relationship. It takes time and effort. But why when ppl become closer, they dun do these kind of things anymore? There's no more discovery coz everything that can be known has been known? It's so easy not to ask anymore coz you think.. ahh.. she's lidat one la.. or he's lidat one. But sometimes its just the fact that the other party bothers to make an effort. Sometimes you think, ok sometimes I think, one fine day when im reali in deep shit, how many of the ppl I love and care about will reali throw down everything and rush to my rescue. haha.. you know, like a friend in need is a friend indeed?
Once, when I was in secondary school, *haha seems like a lot of things happend in sec school* a guy told me he loved me. Then the next week, he told my friend he loved her. 2 weeks later, we found out that he told both of us he loved us. We were pretty hurt. How could he love us both at the same time??? Then I started to hate him. And she started to hate him and now we still hate him. hahah
Im like talking about my life story here. Nah.. it's just that I feel.. hmm pensive I guess. I guess im someone who needs reassurance sometimes. I need to hear sometimes that yes, no matter what happens i ll be there for you. I simply duno how to take for granted. To me, one day it will fade away. I can always be there and I will always know but who's to say the other party will? Is this called insecurity??? That's bad right? I want exclusitivity. Is this called being selfish and possesive? Is this a bad thing too?? haha.. There's no right or wrong i guess. It's all really a judgement call. It's a balance between wanting to have it all and having it I think. Sometimes when I want to have it all, I think what happens if in wanting to have it all, you lose all. Then you become appreciative of having at least a little now. BUt when you are basking in the feel of having a little of it, you start to crave more. Such a hard balance to maintain. hahaha..
Alright.. finally my thoughts are not running quicker than i can type. That's all for the night.
posted by Princess Flowerbloom at 12:36 AM