How very nice to have someone logical around to reassure you and take away your irrational fears.

The fears that gnaws and gnaws and nibbles away at your heart

and then

The clouds started to clear and the heart became lighter.

Small little thing it may seem but not when its gnawing away at you the whole day

so

Thank you.

Consumed by a sudden bout of negativity.

It's so hot outside. The scorching sun. I squint.

Pretending everything's alright.

Trying to keep the tears in as I speak with Mummy.

Speak with Mummy about all of you.

Somethings cannot be verbalised

Only some will understand

From 24hrs a day to maybe 2hours a week, and then 3 hours a month.

Even thats a maybe.

Current mood-o-meter: a little red dot on a map. duno which way to go. Coz the red dot thats always with me is starting to fade.

Alone in the room now... have been on-ing the aircon for 2 whole days now... my sleepin hours a bit junked up too also since I like forgo sleep for like the whole of yesterday till today 10am. and then i Slept till duno what time and then forgo food. .. and then almost died of hunger AND then i had to rush down to Can 16 to save myself...

Consumed half a packet of rice and then went to watch some anime and consumed a box of pocky in the process... and then felt super sleepy, went to sleeep and had weird dreams which caused me to have a terrible headache when Iwoke. I feel like im hallucinating or smth.. how can anyone's dreams be so real... when reality and dreams overlap a bit...

Mugging for GMS in progress... why is this module lidat....can it be structured a bit? Not very friendly you know... I was so frustrated I actually started shouting in my room a bit..then i realised its not very sound proof so i stopped.

Today's reali a day of surprise. Everyone is surprising everyone. Even i surprised myself. Whats this thing called feelings. I wish it came in a removable box or smth so that i can take it out and keep it somewhere for a while when im tired and all. And then when im ready, i ll just fix it back. Feelings which includes irrational fears and worries and insecurities. Feelings of joy, happiness, contentment and the feeling of being loved. I want them to come in 2 separate compartments so that i can put aside all the bad ones and keep the good ones.

Some things you dont want to know, dont want to see. Turn a blind eye to them and slowly they will all fade away. You know what.. i think they are just like balloons.......

I know how it is with honeyed words. So good to hear, it leaves u craving for more. But give me action over words any day.

And so the saying goes, Action speaks louder than words. It means so much more, so very much more. At least to me, it does. Honeyed words are like the mirages in the desert. There to just temporarily quench your thirst and then when you blink once or twice, its gone. And you realise that in the end, not only did it not quench your thirst, it has made you more thirsty.

So give me the action instead and use the honeyed words sparingly.

Everyday, something seems to just happen unexpectedly. In my life of course. NOt always bad. But just unexpected. This afternoon, I saw this sec 1 gal bringing out her fugitsu tablet pc and writing on it as she was dialling up her mom on this very latest model of panasonic handphone, i thought, "wow.. the kids these days" and i made a mental note to blog about it tonight. BUT smth happened and now i dun feel like blogging about the kind of technology that kids get their hands on. Instead I feel like bloggin about the word unexpected. That's weird and of course UNEXPECTED. To me that is. This is a total diff plan from what i had in the afternoon.

Is unexpected good or bad? Im not sure. It just makes me wonder sometimes. Someone once told me, everything happens for a reason and just because you dont know the reason now, doesnt mean its something bad! now isnt that just encouraging?

And have you guys ever wondered why some ppl just dun click with you?? I mean you just try and try and try and you just dun click. full stop. period. u just DUN! Does that mean you guys are very different from each other? ok i think u all get the point. and then you think.. eh but me and my very good friend click very well but we are very DIFFERENT. ahhh thats when my psychology reading friend comes in. He says, as taken from his text that in actual fact, people you click with actually share some very basic values that you have as well. Sometimes, so basic that even you dun know about. And thats why even though on the surface, you all may have differences but deep down, you have smth similar! I like thinking about it this way too.

And you if remember, this guy from our year 1 OB text said smth like you hate it when you see yourself in others? Is that true? Now its a bit tricky. Im not too sure about this. But what im sure of is, when you have nothing good to say, then dun say anything at all. It isnt very hard to do , is it? Why hurt another person? And since we r at it, I also belive in shutting up when im very angry, or just plain angry. Coz knives when thrown, leave marks even after they are pulled out. Just like how some words pierce. So I just shut up when im angry. But that doesnt mean when i dun talk, im very angry. Of course it also doesnt mean when i shut up, its coz i have nothing good or nice to say. It just means im not very into the topic of the moment. Why not join in and be SOCIABLE? someone once asked.

Well.. .. i think its simply coz im NOT sociable i think. Which brings us to another issue of why do things which makes you unhappy. Unless of course if you do it, you can make somebody else happy and of course you wun know if anybody else is happy when you do it so you assume you dont and so you dun do it! correct?? yes, i think so.

And then there's the issue of EXPECTATIONS too. I think all the trouble starts when you start having expectations. Its coz you start having expectations that you give room for unexpected-ness to happen. You get it? You see, its coz you start expecting someone to be that way, something to happen one way or another that when it does not happen the way you want and happen the other way which you did not think of, the u start thinking, how unexpected! But on the other hand, if you DID NOT have expectations, and just go with the flow, you will not expect anything and nothing unexpected will happen. can i say that? Dont you think so? Let me give you another example.When you first meet someone, everything that he/she does is well just smth he/she does. If he/she does smth not nice, you ll just think.. ohh.. how not nice and if he/she does smth nice, you ll be glad and it ll be like a bonus! but the trouble starts when you keep expecting that person to do smth nice and they dun! right? ok just random thoughts.

And just as im about to end my blog, smth just popped into my head. I was talking to dan this evening about how weird it is that 2 ppl in a relationship albeit a platonic one can have different takes on it. Like one comits and leans more into it and the other dun. But nontheless, they are in a relationship. Weird. It quite unfair isnt it? When you take and give in varying degrees. Come to think of it, I think its like that in almost everything right? Sad but its the truth nontheless. Who ever said life was fair anyway. No, it isnt. I was almost convinced it was. But of course i woke up in time to realise that it isnt.

And on this very pessimistic note, I go back to my books.

1.11am:

I'm hurt and so very upset. Dun even know what to say. Always assumed I will always have your understanding after everything ... I thought we used to have an agreement not to use words like never mind. But today there are words like obligations and privacy and never mind. Since when has obligations and privacy ever come into the picture? I used to jokingly say, give me my privacy, but u have never have u? So why now?

There's always a good reason. Havent it ever cross your mind that there are other things that are upsetting me which i'm finding it painful to say at that point in time? Sometimes in this chaotic place, I would feel down and then I ll take heart that at least , some one would understand.

Today, its back to no one. Not even the shadow.