I seriously duno what's come over me at this point in time. I am suppose to prepare to go out and here I am blogging. I simply cannot bring myself to go out. Simply cannot. I feel like I just had a bucket of ice cold water sploshed and splashed all over me. And all I can do is just sit here and let the ice cold waves of feelings wash over me. I think I may have an over active imagination. I trust I can make myself happy and sad just with the directions of my thoughts. Most of the time I do think they are extremely logical and make sense. Until a few of those extremely rare few bossom pals hear it. Why rare? Coz I never could bring myself to share so much of me with so many people. Call it a trait. Or a weird trait. Or maybe its me. No other complicated reasons. They never fail to ask me not to think too much. Unfortunately these thoughts pop in just like that. I trust that leaving me too long to my own devices may not even be a good thing as I always seem to be thinking. It comes so naturally.
Call me sensitive and many would shake their heads. Call me insensitive and it doesnt reali quite fit the bill as well. I used to wonder why I get upset and all riled up at some things. These days Im like kind of prepping upself up for things. I imagine it happenin in the future and then I think maybe one day I will get so used to it, I will not even be upset anymore. Maybe like I need a few years. But how come no matter how many times I think about it, somewhere hurts quite not so a little bit. Call it a coward's way or maybe this is what they call mental strength training. Either way, at least Im not running from it anymore. In the past few months I used to run so much from it, I get sick of it even. I think it kinda hurts to think about it even right now. See, I think thats the bad thing about me really. When I believe in you, I really do. And even if the earth shakes and the waves come, I still believe in you. And if I dont, you are just off the radar screen altogether. Just like my faith towards my black trusty IBM. My faith for it renewed after it was in perfectly working condition even after a hard fall from the heights of a study table. hahah...
Is this stupidity or what? And aniway, I dun even know why am I suddenly even thinking of all these things. I think I m just trying to pour out these sudden moments of anguish so that I may stop thinking and go out. It kinda feels good to be just rambling on and on like that. . . I'm feeling half fine already. . .
It's just so sad that miwa and siwei will not be joining us for the Europe trip afterall. Wat a twist. Just as I was so looking forward to having them both around. But I guess everyone has their constraints and I do hope they can have a good time here in Singapore as well. I cant believe how rubbishly sentimental I can be at times. Its really rather amazing considering most adjectives I hear about myself are words like decisive and calm and ridiculous words like neutral and god knows what else. On the contary, as quite a few can attest to, I do have my sentimental moments. Like if you ever give me a present, most likely, after 10 years, you will find that I still do have it even though its not displayed on my desk. But in any way, by hook or by crook even if its collecting dust and crumbling, I will absolutely not allow any one including myself to throw it in the rubbish bin or give it to the salvation army. Coz its from you to me! And there are spurts like I always cry when I hear the song "Let it be" by the beetles. The effect is better achieved if its played live in front of me. My heart just goes a bit wobbly and then the tear glands start activating themselves. Call it weird, but I also duno whats wrong. The last thing I remember about this is actually elvina's shocked face coz when we went to karen's GE class, one of the performin group did this song and well.. I did my thing.. tears started showing. And weirdly enough when my good friend starts crying uncontrollably, I start to comfort her and then I will start tearing too. The good thing that comes out from this is that my friend will be so shocked that she stops momentarily and then yupz.. she stops crying.
I was just thinking earlier, how glad I am that I will be going to Europe with elv, jamie, jingsi, andy and dawn. Its as what we always believe in, the company. At the same time, I think Im really gg to miss a certain mr daniel ng hua qing. Come to think of it, its going to be the first time in 3 years that im not gg to see him for 3 weeks in a row. Usually due to events and circumstances, the most I dun see him is for 1 week and even so, the voice can be heard. hahaha Even during professional attachment when we were trying to take a break from each other , we "sway sway" gt into the same attachment firm and well the suanning and getting caught doing stupid things by him continued. Weird isnt it. Now that I think of it. Ya, so you will be sorely missed, dan. Like no late night solitares and hexic for 3 weeks and no nonsensical (or sometimes insightful) yakking away and no one to keep owlish hours with. But then again maybe I will be so tired out by the trip each day in Europe that I revert to normal sleeping hours. But considering that sleeping is not my no. 1 love, I doubt it will happen much. Amazing isnt it.
Ok goodness, I cant believe I went on and on, I am feeling a bit better now. I shall not fly my friend's aeroplane coz I know that kind of anticipation feeling and then the heavy plunk of disappointment that comes with it when you dont get what you want. Terrible isnt it. Well at least even if Im not feeling too fantastic, I shall strive to be a good company and make my friend a happy one.
posted by Princess Flowerbloom at 8:00 PM